Quick background info: I have been struggling lately with anxiety and depression regarding events that God has already healed (infidelity on my husband's part, and me learning to trust God and him again- also the loss of his job and no income for almost 5 months, having to depend solely on God...now a new job for him but it brings back triggers for me so it's been hard to just "move forward and forget it ever happened...") It's been very difficult for me to "re-adjust" my mind to this recent healing on my husband's part. I know God has healed this, and every time my first reaction is to believe it- then doubt creeps in, and fear, and every other feeling that doesn't come from God. I quite literally FREAK OUT, and lose all faith that God is in control and has already healed it. I hate this. It's one thing to be ok to trust God, but quite difficult to learn to trust another human being when they have lied to you in the past, no matter how much God has changed them- God still allows them to practice free will. I know Satan is having an easy time trying to bring me down, I am weakest when it comes to any other woman having ANY interaction with my husband, innocent or not. I don't know how to stop the fear and anxiety, so I have been researching online different over the counter pills or remedy's that can help with anxiety, and aren't incredibly expensive.
I know it's wrong to turn to alcohol, but it seems like that's the only thing that will slow down my racing thoughts long enough for me to really focus on my real life and not the crazy wild movie going on and on in my head. I don't drink a lot, but a little bit off and on all day is how I have recently been coping, and I know it's not a healthy thing, but it works. I can slow down my thoughts and actually focus on what needs to get done, the worrying and freaking out stop, and I feel normal again. This is what lead me to searching online for anti-anxiety medications that I could get over the counter, since we don't currently have health insurance or an over abundance of money.
My husband constantly, and when I mean constantly, I mean at least several times a day, tells me to "pray about it..ask God... stop freaking out and just trust God to show you the truth." I know this is the best advice ever, and I usually can turn to HIM when things go crazy.... but lately I haven't been able to focus on God as long as I need to to get answers to help me. My lack of God time has led me to searching for alternate fixes, alcohol- or some type of pill that will slow my crazy thought process so I can feel normal again and not a constant ball of stress.
When God spoke the words "Balm of Gilead" to me, I remember hearing it off and on growing up in church, but I didn't recall exactly what it meant and how it could apply to something God would be speaking to me right now in my life, or even if it was God I was hearing and not psycho voices in my head trying to lead me down an off path to distract me.
I knew immediately it was God when I read the first words of this blog from Laced with Grace:
http://lacedwithgrace.com/faith/5899/
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