Another Perspective....

     I feel better today- I had a good talk with a friend of mine the other day and she was telling me about the problems her and her husband had been going through in a little greater detail.  Turns out, SHE is the one in their relationship that was seeking attention from the opposite sex at work...and it is HER that is trying to earn back trust from her husband.  She explained to me that once she made the commitment in her heart that her marriage would take top priority and she was committed to working on it much more than she was tempted to fall into temptation anymore. It helped me to hear her side of it, because my husband won't open up to me and really tell me how he feels about the temptation anymore, or how he feels about that compared to how he feels about our family and his commitments to that.  I asked her if she would "hide" emails or texts from a person of the opposite sex, and what would be her reasons for doing so if there was really nothing to hide.  she explained that she wouldn't hide anything at this point because she has agreed in their marriage not to erase anything.  But she said if it had been a problem in the past  even though there's nothing to hide, she might feel like erasing it simply to save my feelings, but nothing more...that that is entirely possible and probably not something to be scared of.  Obviously, it would do WONDERS for me if my husband would simply leave the texts there for me to "see" that they are innocent- just the fact that they "disappear" bothers me.  If something bothers your spouse, why not take away the source of pain??  I don't know why he won't just leave it if he knows this will totally help me.  But it does help to know that it could really be like he says, he erases them just to stop a fight over nothing.  I'm going to try my best to just blog about it, or seriously pray and worship until God gives me a peace about it. I also need to really focus on having some discipline in my mind- learning to re- train my mind and how it processes things and how I tend to "think" myself into freaking out over nothing. I'm needing less and less alcohol, and I feel at least a little bit more confident about myself and my marriage.  Of course, it's only the wkend, and come monday he has another work-out session with her alone and that always makes me freak out no matter how well I'm feeling.  I'll try my mind discipline and my praying and my worshiping, and my blogging...we'll hope for the best and I'm at least hoping that this might be 2 steps forward and only 1 step back each time...so a little progress will be better than NO progress at least.
    Also, I have to think how God wants me to think about this... I know God wants me at my best, I also know He is allowing all these feelings to re-surface this time because I so quickly swept them under the rug last time because I thought it wasn't good to dwell on them if God was healing my marriage at the time.  I didn't realize that if I don't sort out my feelings, it will only fester until it all blows up in my face and I'm forced to deal with it at another time.  God faithfully allows it to "come back" because I really truly need to focus on it for a little bit until I sort out the feelings and can successfully move on with my life.  This is what freaks my husband out, 9 months later (about the same amount of time it takes to form a new life...) I have all these "feelings" like the affairs just now happened... this makes him mad because he is being good and has not screwed up, but is being "treated" like he's screwed up.  How screwed up is that??!!  I do believe that God is allowing these feelings to surface because HE wants me to face them and deal with them and LEARN to trust my husband and not just "say" I trust him, but REALLY trust him for reals... and that can only happen when I do it God's way and do it fully.  I know God want's the best for me, and being tortured in my mind is NOT God's way or what's best- so maybe I have to KNOW that God is trying to teach me to discipline my mind... I can't any longer allow my mind to wander into movies of total marriage destruction, or wander into some full fledged porno in my mind of "what my husband's training sessions are like with this woman..."   They are most likely running on 2 treadmills for 15 minutes, and in my mind somehow that turns into some wild treadmill sex fest for an hour... not fair to him or me, or her, or God.  I need serious help= and like my previous post, that help is found ONLY in God.  Come with me on my journey of how to re-program and discipline my mind, heal my marriage, and live the life God intended me to live in the first place.  At least this way I feel like I have company and support.. and that makes it a little bit more do-able. :)

Read this book!! :)