Another Perspective....

     I feel better today- I had a good talk with a friend of mine the other day and she was telling me about the problems her and her husband had been going through in a little greater detail.  Turns out, SHE is the one in their relationship that was seeking attention from the opposite sex at work...and it is HER that is trying to earn back trust from her husband.  She explained to me that once she made the commitment in her heart that her marriage would take top priority and she was committed to working on it much more than she was tempted to fall into temptation anymore. It helped me to hear her side of it, because my husband won't open up to me and really tell me how he feels about the temptation anymore, or how he feels about that compared to how he feels about our family and his commitments to that.  I asked her if she would "hide" emails or texts from a person of the opposite sex, and what would be her reasons for doing so if there was really nothing to hide.  she explained that she wouldn't hide anything at this point because she has agreed in their marriage not to erase anything.  But she said if it had been a problem in the past  even though there's nothing to hide, she might feel like erasing it simply to save my feelings, but nothing more...that that is entirely possible and probably not something to be scared of.  Obviously, it would do WONDERS for me if my husband would simply leave the texts there for me to "see" that they are innocent- just the fact that they "disappear" bothers me.  If something bothers your spouse, why not take away the source of pain??  I don't know why he won't just leave it if he knows this will totally help me.  But it does help to know that it could really be like he says, he erases them just to stop a fight over nothing.  I'm going to try my best to just blog about it, or seriously pray and worship until God gives me a peace about it. I also need to really focus on having some discipline in my mind- learning to re- train my mind and how it processes things and how I tend to "think" myself into freaking out over nothing. I'm needing less and less alcohol, and I feel at least a little bit more confident about myself and my marriage.  Of course, it's only the wkend, and come monday he has another work-out session with her alone and that always makes me freak out no matter how well I'm feeling.  I'll try my mind discipline and my praying and my worshiping, and my blogging...we'll hope for the best and I'm at least hoping that this might be 2 steps forward and only 1 step back each time...so a little progress will be better than NO progress at least.
    Also, I have to think how God wants me to think about this... I know God wants me at my best, I also know He is allowing all these feelings to re-surface this time because I so quickly swept them under the rug last time because I thought it wasn't good to dwell on them if God was healing my marriage at the time.  I didn't realize that if I don't sort out my feelings, it will only fester until it all blows up in my face and I'm forced to deal with it at another time.  God faithfully allows it to "come back" because I really truly need to focus on it for a little bit until I sort out the feelings and can successfully move on with my life.  This is what freaks my husband out, 9 months later (about the same amount of time it takes to form a new life...) I have all these "feelings" like the affairs just now happened... this makes him mad because he is being good and has not screwed up, but is being "treated" like he's screwed up.  How screwed up is that??!!  I do believe that God is allowing these feelings to surface because HE wants me to face them and deal with them and LEARN to trust my husband and not just "say" I trust him, but REALLY trust him for reals... and that can only happen when I do it God's way and do it fully.  I know God want's the best for me, and being tortured in my mind is NOT God's way or what's best- so maybe I have to KNOW that God is trying to teach me to discipline my mind... I can't any longer allow my mind to wander into movies of total marriage destruction, or wander into some full fledged porno in my mind of "what my husband's training sessions are like with this woman..."   They are most likely running on 2 treadmills for 15 minutes, and in my mind somehow that turns into some wild treadmill sex fest for an hour... not fair to him or me, or her, or God.  I need serious help= and like my previous post, that help is found ONLY in God.  Come with me on my journey of how to re-program and discipline my mind, heal my marriage, and live the life God intended me to live in the first place.  At least this way I feel like I have company and support.. and that makes it a little bit more do-able. :)

Read this book!! :)

    God woke me up last night with a phrase: "The Balm Of Gilead."  I couldn't get this out of my head.
     Quick background info:  I have been struggling lately with anxiety and depression regarding events that God has already healed (infidelity on my husband's part, and me learning to trust God and him again- also the loss of his job and no income for almost 5 months, having to depend solely on God...now a new job for him but it brings back triggers for me so it's been hard to just "move forward and forget it ever happened...") It's been very difficult for me to "re-adjust" my mind to this recent healing on my husband's part.  I know God has healed this, and every time my first reaction is to believe it- then doubt creeps in, and fear, and every other feeling that doesn't come from God.  I quite literally  FREAK OUT, and lose all faith that God is in control and has already healed it.  I hate this.  It's one thing to be ok to trust God, but quite difficult to learn to trust another human being when they have lied to you in the past, no matter how much God has changed them- God still allows them to practice free will. I know Satan is having an easy time trying to bring me down, I am weakest when it comes to any other woman having ANY interaction with my husband, innocent or not.  I don't know how to stop the fear and anxiety, so I have been researching online different over the counter pills or remedy's that can help with anxiety, and aren't incredibly expensive.  
     I know it's wrong to turn to alcohol, but it seems like that's the only thing that will slow down my racing thoughts long enough for me to really focus on my real life and not the crazy  wild movie going on and on in my head.  I don't drink a lot, but a little bit off and on all day is how I have recently been coping, and I know it's not a healthy thing, but it works.  I can slow down my thoughts and actually focus on what needs to get done, the worrying and freaking out stop, and I feel normal again.  This is what lead me to searching online for anti-anxiety medications that I could get over the counter, since we don't currently have health insurance or an over abundance of money.
     My husband constantly, and when I mean constantly, I mean at least several times a day, tells me to "pray about it..ask God... stop freaking out and just trust God to show you the truth."  I know this is the best advice ever, and I usually can turn to HIM when things go crazy.... but lately I haven't been able to focus on God as long as I need to to get answers to help me.  My lack of God time has led me to searching for alternate fixes, alcohol- or some type of pill that will slow my crazy thought process so I can feel normal again and not a constant ball of stress.
     When God spoke the words "Balm of Gilead" to me, I remember hearing it off and on growing up in church, but I didn't recall exactly what it meant and how it could apply to something God would be speaking to me right now in my life, or even if it was God I was hearing and not psycho voices in my head trying to lead me down an off path to distract me.  
     I knew immediately it was God when I read the first words of this blog from Laced with Grace:
http://lacedwithgrace.com/faith/5899/

     My God is my healer!! He is my physician, He is the ONLY answer to my problems.  I know pills and alcohol can fix how I feel for a short time, but God can ultimately heal from the inside out and RENEW MY MIND with HIS MIND...and that's when I am truly healed :)  Thank you Father God for your healing Balm of Gilead, and for always coming to my rescue with a few simple words!!